"Why are you eating bread?"

Bread. I remember bread.

"I don't know. I just wanted some. Do you want a slice?"

I knew why it sounded good. It feels ... safe. Clean. It reminds you of something familiar. For you, maybe your childhood.

"Uh no thanks. Do you want a soda? I'm going to go buy one."

Soda. I wish I had a soda right now.

"Nah, thanks."

The room felt intimate, pulled together, compressed, a singular string of spacetime connecting us, intertwining our fates. There was a great gulf between us, but we were never closer. It was a wonderful feeling, a beautiful feeling. Finally someone was there for me.

Rule three. Rule three!!

Then it was gone.

"How's he doing?" She took a big drink. I couldn't see it, but I could hear it. I wanted a drink. Saline solution. What a sweet elixir.

"They don't know. The tumor's growing again."

"Didn't they take it out?"

"I guess it came back."

"That guy must have the worst luck, first it was cancer and now this?"

Dead silence.

I dreamt I was in an endless sea of green, nothing in any direction could hold back the tidal wave. Shelley was there, and everything was ok again. We were lying in the grass hands behind our heads, smiling, laughing, uninhibited. Reminiscing about everyone we knew, and making fun of them. It was bliss, lying next to each other; the world disappeared, nothing mattered anymore. Then she was gone.

"You really are pathetic."

She was gone, gone yet again. Someone else was taking her place. Her name was Sandy. And wherever I went, she tortured me. I stopped smiling. I couldn't bear to look at her. I put my hands at my sides, and they morphed into fists.

Rule three. Rule number three.

"Look at you, you little baby! Fantasizing about the girl of your dreams and all you do is look at clouds."

Sandy was a girl. She was a girl who I liked once, once upon a time.

"She's already dead thanks to you, so why don't you leave her alone?"

I made the mistake of telling her about it. She made me the laughing stock of the whole high school.

"Seriously not even a blowjob or something? Ha ha, I knew you were a fag!"

I gritted my teeth, and dug my nails into my palms. I couldn't murder an apparition. I couldn't punch a dream. But she was there. She was always there. Nagging me. Making me doubt myself. Every time I went to sleep, Sandy was there. Every time I closed my eyes. Every time someone smiled at me. Every time I tried to be pleasant. To be happy. She was always there. I couldn't make her go away.

"Everyone knows it already anyway. Or expects it!"

"Thanks to you."

"Oh don't be trying to blame me for that, it's not my fault you're such a loser."

"True, I couldn't even score with a skank like you."

"Hey, how's Todd doing?"

"He's good."

Deader silence.

Macaroni macaroni, sweet potato pie. Don't kiss the boys, don't kiss the girls, cause they will make you die.

"Heyyy buddy, you enjoying those wieners?" Henry had just walked in the break room door, and he was already on a roll. He was asking Brian. Brian put his fork down, and didn't look up. I chose to ignore him entirely. I stabbed a couple of my own, and chewed them with reckless abandon. Henry went over to a folding table and started stuffing vegetables in his face, and occupied himself sexually harassing some accounting people.

Laurie came in and sat down. "Hey Johnny, what did you bring for food day?"

"Uh, buns. What did you bring, other than your own buns."

"Hey! Nothing, I'm not having anything. Why would you bring buns and nothing to go in them?"

I planned on putting some wieners in them. I don't like anything in my buns. I forgot to buy the hamburger. "I tried to make roast beef and it didn't turn out very good."

"Better get you a girlfriend who can cook then!" She winked at me. I glared back. "Hey Brian, what'd you bring?"

"Pineapple upside down cake..."

"I wasn't asking you!"

"Too bad."

"I'll have to try some!"

I knew he wanted to make something else. Macaroni and cheese casserole. Everyone always kept asking him to make it. I wasn't sure if he didn't want to be seen as a cook, or was trying to be nice because he knew I couldn't eat it. But I think maybe he just didn't like the attention.

"He killed himself because of you, you know."

"Shut up."

"Ha ha, he had a crush on you!"

"Shut UP!"

Steve came in and sat down with a big plate of meatballs. Steve was new to the company. He had been there four days. He had no idea what he was in for.

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Nope."

"Walter, right?"

"I can live with that."

"Do you not like Walter? Maybe Walt?"

"Oh he doesn't like anything, do you Johnny?" She smiled at me again. Her teeth were too perfect, she was too beautiful. It was annoying. I wanted to punch her in the face, and sire her children. I hated it when good looking people tried to tease me. Except her. Well, I hated it, but I didn't.

I could tell by the look on Steve's face that he had no idea what was going on.

"Yeah, Lettice here is right-"

"Shut up! I hate that name!" She punched me in the arm.

"Then why did you name your son Carrot?"

"His name is Matthew!" She slapped the table, and crossed her arms, an incredulous, open mouthed smile on her face.

"Yeah my real name is Meat. And this here is Potato." I flicked a thumb at Brian. He chuckled. That was rare.

"Stop telling people that!!" She punched me again, a whole lot harder this time.

Steve slowly looked down and took a bite of a meatball.

"I changed my name because I don't like it. You can call me Walter."

Steve swallowed, and looked like he was trying to search for the right words. He pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and pointed his plastic fork at me. "So, you changed your name to Walter?"

"Well, once. I've changed it a lot. Right now it's actually ‘Motorbike St. Francis'."

"Motorbike?? Why Motorbike?"

"Why not Motorbike?"

He looked at me for a while. Shook his head, and pronged another meatball. The nerve of some people, living their lives differently!

Steve was going to be a problem.

"I'd hate to be the one here when he wakes up."

She had no idea.

"Hey Steve, I remember him! You got him fired too, didn't you? Wonder if he killed himself too!" She leered at me and disappeared in flashes, laughing from every direction; the empty void ceaselessly taunting me.

"You'd better get home, Todd'll be wondering where you are!"

"He knows I'm here."

"What a moron! Look at this dumb bitch. Husband and son at home, and she's watching over your ugly carcass. What is it with you and worthless bitches?"

The silence was back, but it was different this time. We were alone together again. More alone than ever.

"I miss you. Get better."

A voice rang out, as the sky flashed darkness. "They're both dead now. I hope you're finally happy. You just had to chase after her, didn't you? And what a last meal she had! Ha ha ha, ha ha!" Everything turned red, black. Invisible.

I knew she was scared. She had no idea what to say to me if I woke up. I knew she would be there, waiting for me. Finally, I knew. She was one of the few who knew about the first Shelley. Or the second, depending on how you look at it. She didn't want to be the one to tell me that now both of them were gone. And it was most likely my fault.

But it was alright. I already knew.

"I wish I could break your neck. I wish I could just reach across infinity, find you in your room, and break your ugly, snot nosed, bull dyke neck!"

There was a burning in the pit of my stomach. It was worse than usual. The fire was real. It wasn't figurative this time. The walls were coming down. Whatever was inside me had finally snapped, and my private hell was about to be unleashed on the world. Heaven help it, for it knows not what it does.

"Something's wrong, is the monitor supposed to be beeping like that??"

"No, something's wrong! Get a nurse!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

The nurses had already came in the room, and were trying to figure out how my heart rate was off the scale as I woke up, grabbed the needle out of my arm, and threw the IV through the window.

"WHERE'S SHELLEY!?"

"John, she ... she"

"I know she's dead, I said where is she!!?"

"How do you .. ?! She's ... they're at the funeral home!"

I ran outside without thinking about what was going on. I didn't know how to get there, but I had to go.

Then, all I saw was a bright light. Something had snapped. I no longer knew what was going on.

"Son? Son, where are you going?"

"Oh, I ... I don't know."

"What's your name?"

Rule 30. Damn it. Rule 30.

"...My name? J..John. John Paul VanHousen."

"Alright John, now think. Where were you just headed?"

Rule 5! Jesus, Rule 5!!

"I ... I think I was going to find some paint."

"Some paint? Why paint?"

"Well ... I need it to go back in time."