And so once upon a time, the bird creatures of Ransom could not communicate with the volcano god either, as he didn't know their language, and they couldn't read any of the ones he tried to use. Ransom wasn't called Ransom back then. In fact, they didn't have a name for their planet, and they were quite distraught about it. "What will other civilizations think, if we can't even name our own planet?"

"Maybe that we had better things to do, like, science?"

"Yeah Carl, I'm sure they'll think that."

"Shut up! My ideas are fine!"

Many people - er, birds - had ideas for how to name their planet. "Birdia" was the best they could come up with. The other ideas were things like "Seed" and "Awesomeplanet". Until a routine observation mission above the volcano planet went awry. Five birds were lost in an explosion. One survived, and fell to the surface.

Now, the thing you should know about the volcano planet is, it was dead and lifeless. It wasn't really that hot, in fact it was quite moderate in temperature. It still had an atmosphere, though it was mostly nitrogen and carbon dioxide. The ground was dusty and solid rock. The one active volcano remained, where the lava creature lived at its base. It was a shield volcano, and didn't really erupt lava - it just sort of ... oozed it once in a while.

The lava creature had been looking up towards the ship when it exploded. He knew by now they couldn't understand him, but he still wished he could communicate. That was when one of the ship's fuel lines decided it had grown tired of life, and exploded. Then the rest of the ship thought that was a mighty fine idea, and also exploded. And Henry, the sole survivor, went hurdling towards the ground.

His name wasn't really Henry, it was something like CHIRCHIRRUP, but that's hard to type. Anyway, as Henry was hurdling towards the ground like a nursing home resident on acid on the side of a cliff, the lava creature saw him and went into action. Suddenly, he moved across the surface at such a high rate of speed that mission control lost sight of him.

"Oh my god."

"What's he doing? Where'd he go?"

"That poor bastard. I can't watch this."

And sure enough, when Henry was ten feet from the surface, the lava creature was below, waiting to catch him.

Now, if you've never taken a bath in lava, let me set the picture for you - it's hot. Usually a couple thousand degrees. Not something you want to step in, or touch, or be next to. Let alone fall into at terminal velocity. Which, since the volcano planet's gravity was twice that of Earth, was quite a lot.

There was nary a sound. Henry disappeared into the lava creature. He looked up, kind of swirled around a bit, and went back to the base of his volcano. Much slower than he'd left.

"It ate him. That motherfucker ate him!"

"Calm down. Maybe he was ... trying to help."

"Trying to help?! He's made of fucking lava! How is that supposed to help?"

"I don't know! That poor bastard.. what are we going to tell the people about this?"

After a few more minutes of arguing, the creature had returned. A probe at the base of the volcano, sent years earlier in an attempt at communication was turned on.

"Hey! Hey you, what's the big idea!"

The volcano god seemed startled, as much as a pile of lava can seem startled. Then, he slowly turned to face the probe and wrote something on a sign, in the native language of the bird people.


I HAVE YOUR MAN

"What? He what? Don't ... don't tell me he's alive in there! How did he learn our language?"

"Oh god he's holding Henry for .. for ransom? Boiling alive in lava!? I'll kill that son of a bitch!"

"Calm down Carl, take your goddamned pills!"

"I will not calm down! What the fuck kind of ransom do you pay to lava?"

Then Carl grabbed the mic and shouted at the creature. "Give him back you son of a bitch!"


I CAN'T

"Fine, what do you want for him?"

WANT? NOTHING MAN

"Oh, playing hardball are we?"

WHAT'S HARDBALL

"It's .. shut up! Give him back or I'll come down there and make you wish you had!"

I SAID I CAN'T, CAN'T LEAVE PLANET

Just then, the lava creature ... spit Henry up. He was covered in lava goop, but seemed no worse for the wear. He brushed it off, and it seemed to rejoin the lava creature on its own. Henry looked around, saw the probe, and waved. "Hey guys! I'm ok!"

"See Carl? I wish you'd relax. Jesus, lava holding somebody for ransom, I swear ... let's get a ship out there to pick Henry up.

Hey uh .. vol.... l... hey you, what's your name?"

The lava creature stewed for a bit, and slowly wrote

DUDE, CAN'T REMEMBER

Then Henry piped in. "Hey, thanks for catching me over there!"

NO PROB.

"Okay uh ... volcano god, I guess, can we call you volcano god ... "

YEAH BUT I'M NO GOD

"Okay well .. is there anything we can do for you? We have a ship coming to pick Henry up."

The creature thought for a minute, and then responded:

YOU GUYS GOT ANY GOOD BOOKS

One day I was up in the forest when I saw a gnome. "Hey gnome, what's up."

"Nothin."

"Oh. Okay. ... "

"....."

"............you ever hear about the volcano god?"

"Listen bud, do you mind? I had a rough day."

"Oh. Yeah."

There was a third planet called Ransom. At least they called it Ransom in their language. A lot of aliens sound like gargles or blips or bleeps but these guys chirped a lot, like a fuckstrucken hummingbird or cockateel, maybe a whippoorwill. The Ransom guys didn't communicate much with the Frapshavers or the Sporktonians, mainly because they couldn't understand the grunts or the ice scratching. But they knew about the volcano god. They even had a weekly call in program. People could call up and ask the volcano god questions, and he would - slowly, since he was writing it on a sign made of lava, made of himself - answer their questions. A lot of times they were useless, but such is life. Sometimes they were profound. Sometimes they were eerie. Sometimes they were stupid. But whatever. He was chill, man. Probably got boring hanging around for millennia by a volcano, so answering some weird questions was probably .. fun?

"Yes, uhh I have a question for the volcano god?"

"Yes caller you're on the air, go ahead, he's listening."

"Yeah um ... my husband wants to ... "

"Ooookay we had to edit that out. Oh, he's writing something anyway .. "


YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE


"Heh, haha. There you go. Okay next caller, you're on the Lava Dance, what's your question?"

The Lava Dance was a Ransom expression that turned out to be a delicious pun. It sounded something like "CHIRRUP CHEEP CHIP", and was like a fireside chat or something. I don't know. I don't speak that ching chong shit.

"Yes umm, have you spoken to the other creatures on those other planets? What are they like?"


WEIRD FUCKERS, MAN

"Really? Weirder than us?"


TOTALLY

"Oh, he's writing something else ... "

THEY LIKE, OOZE ALL OVER

"...Ooze? Like .. they just leak fluids all the time?"

YEAH MAN, ITS GROSS

"Alright next caller, squirt out your hambone!"

I'm not even going to try to explain that one.

"Heh h ehh ... hey man, do you like .. eat? WHIRRRUP WHIRRRUP WHIRRRRR WHIRRRUP"

"Enough of that .. please, that was old 10 years ago ... hey he's answering anyway"


NOT ANYMORE. UNLESS LAVA COUNTS


"We will totally count lava. Alright, we'll be right back with more questions for the volcano god here on the Lava Dance after these messages .."

HEY GUYS

"Yeah? What is it?"

NO MORE SPORKTONIAN QUESTIONS

"Spo....what's that word? Sporktonian? What's that?"

THE OOZERS

"...That's a weird name. Okay but .. why no more questions about them?"

This was the first time the volcano god had made such a request. Actually, it was the first time he had made any request, other than for people to "be cool", or "party on".


THEY ARE EVIL


"Evil?? Should we be worried?"

YEAH MAN. THEY DON'T CARE

"Care about what?"


TRUTH. OR ANYTHING BUT THEMSELVES



"We're .. we've got to go back on air ... "


JUST DON'T CONTACT THEM


"O .. okay ... aaaand welcome back the Lava Dance. Um ... I ... next caller ... "

"Yes .. I've got a question? Uh .. hey. Besides absorbing knowledge, do you have like, any other like super powers?"


DON'T THINK SO.

"So you can't like, see the future?"


ALL I SEE IS A DAMN VOLCANO

I put a sock on my wang and went into town. "Good morning, Principal Roberts!" I shouted. My sock was glowing orange. It was a hot one out today. "Good morning Steven!" He shouted back. My name was Lazarus but whatever. I had a feeling Principal Roberts was tone deaf and had arthritis. Wait, arthritis? I mean that thing where you can't remember stuff good. You know, the thing. Anyway, his secretary was a hot little number named Margaret. She was 13 years old and had a mole shaped like Kentucky on her butt. That reminds me of another amusing anecdote. It was exactly eight years ago today that my wife left me for another brother from another mother. She was cheating on me with my dentist too. That explains the rubies in her teeth.

All I really have to say about my dentist is that he wasn't really a bad man, he was just a penis. With a three inch penis. I saw it once when I was hiding in his bushes watching him spank my wife. He was using a clawhammer toothbrush shaped like Mike Dirnt. Why Mike Dirnt? Because it was a Thursday. Friday nights they went out to eat with me at Fat Joe's Texas Barbecue and Toothpaste Emporium. That reminds me, one time I was eating mint flavored toothpaste in the bushes while my dentist was masquerading as Simon Cowell and raping my wife with a bucket of orange yarn when suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was me. I had idle hands syndrome, and I couldn't stop myself.

When he answered the door, I just knocked him out cold. I would have knocked him out hot but it was January. Anyway, there was a snake under the stairs that bit me on the hell and I think I caught transvestitism. If that's a thing. I have the urge to drink Mr Clean and put my dong in a trapeze artist so that's probably a thing. That reminds me, I was watching Seinfeld the other night when I jacked off. Then I drank a bucket of Mr Clean and passed out for two or three eternities. That reminds me, I really should get back to work before I get fired for impersonating a mailman.

That reminds me, I have to mail my bills in the morning. Sometimes I have to mail letters, but right now I have bills to mail. One time I was sitting outside the bushes on a Tuesday afternoon watching my dentist rape my wife with a fourteen foot long baguette when there was a knock on the door. It was coming from inside the house. The Schwann guy had gotten stuck inside and slipped on a banana peel. He fell face first into a bag of chicken strips, and almost suffocated. Luckily, he was an expert at eating plastic bags so he was able to knaw his legs off, enough to use the stumps to knock on the door.

That reminds me of another time I was sitting in the bushes outside my grandma's neighbor's cat's owner's house masturbating while she was watching Barney and Friends, when her father came outside and beat me with a submarine sandwich. If only it had been toasted, my life could have been a whole lot different. If only it had been toasted. Anyway there's no use crying over spilled hemoglobin so I'll stop talking about it. That reminds me, one time I went to donate blood and they refused to let me in because I was eating a submarine sandwich. "But it'll build up my red blood cells," I said. They didn't like that answer though, because I was eating an AIDS sandwich, and I was also having sex with a diseased leprechaun at the time. That reminds me, I have to stop by Boston Market on my way home today to pick up a turkey, some trimmings, my old weed eater, and my son from soccer camp. He's 14 years old, and he's got a pretty sexy ass. But I digress. That reminds me of the time I digressed in the middle of the baseball field parking lot when I was six and a half years old. My nana rubbed my nose in it, which is why my nose smells like urine and also why I don't have a nose.

That reminds me, I was driving my son to soccer camp when the officer pulled me over, so you see judge I had a lot on my mind and I don't think I deserve this speeding ticket. Now if you'd just .. hey where are you taking me? Nacho emergency? I hope it's a nacho emergency.

--follow @dadadaily

Witnesses to Sporktonian orgasms have been known to claw their own eyes out. For lack of better terms, there is ooze oozing out at a rapid pace, and since Sporktonian seminal fluids are acidic, it can be quite dangerous to be caught in the rapid fire tentacle thrusts that occur. Such a thing happened to one poor group of visiting Frapshavers, which is how heavily petting ones self earned the reputation as a defense mechanism against them. But that's getting slightly ahead of myself.

The planet next to the home of the Frapshavers was deserted, except for a lava creature inside an old, enormous volcano. He was countless millennia old, and had seen it all. From the evolution of ice bugs into the pre-Frapshaver cave dwelling societies, to the horrific juggling contest of the year 6742 S. Since the Frapshaver home planet was solid ice, and the lava planet was well, lava, the two could never really establish contact in person. However, early Frapshavers noticed the creature and treated him as somewhat of a god. The lava creature would occasionally exit the volcano, wandering around the base and attempting to communicate by holding up crude signs in the direction of the Frapshaver home world. But they were not technologically advanced enough to translate his messages.

Eventually, technology enabled Frapshaver scientists to land an enormous camera and screen onto the lava planet to communicate with what they still thought at the time was some sort of hot god, some ancient creature who held some of the secrets of the universe. Could tell them the meaning of life, and how their world came into existence. They slowly cross referenced and compiled possible translations for his messages throughout time.

"Gentlemen, we're about to decode this message He just showed us. Finally, a chance to communicate with the ancient one." The computers chunked and swirled for several more minutes. Finally, it was all complete. The frozen terminals displayed the lava creature's message to the scientists.

DUDE

WELCOME TO THE PARTY

The scientists scratched their heads and stared. They had assumed some ancient wisdom was going to appear. Not something barely coherent. So, they decided to send a return message, translated to what they approximately thought said "Please, depart upon us some ancient wisdom."

The lava creature read their message, and seemed deep in thought for several minutes. Finally, he raised one of his obsidian arms and wrote a new message for the planet next door.

NEVER DATE AN EX'S SISTER. TROUBLE

He tapped the word "TROUBLE" three or four times for emphasis.

That was the day the Frapshavers became athiests.

Discouraged, but not defeated, the scientists continued to ask the creature questions. While he tried to be helpful, it was never quite as informative as they hoped. They asked him, how did life on their planet come into being? He again thought for several minutes, and carefully wrote a message in return.

MOVING ICE. SHIT WAS CRAZY

"Moving ice?! Of course it was moving ice, we're fucking ice creatures!"
"Calm down Carl. Seriously."
"You calm down, you son of a bitch. We've spent two thousand years trying to communicate with this retard!"
"Don't use the r word!"
"I'll call whatever retards I want to call retards retards, retard!"
"Now you're just trying to piss me off."

Even more discouraged, they asked simpler questions. Where did he come from?

VOLCANO ->

How long had he been there?

FOREVER, MAN

Is there a god?

HOPE SO, BUT WHO KNOWS DUDE

Finally, exasperated, the scientists asked one more question. "What is the meaning of life? " The creature seemed flummoxed at this question. He paced (sort of, he was made of lava after all) and seemed lost in thought for quite some time. Finally, after two or three hours - that's six hours of Earth time - he slowly, carefully wrote down a message, left it in view of the camera, and climbed back towards the mouth of the volcano.

The scientists shut off the equipment. It was left in disuse for quite some time. But eventually, someone decided to turn it back on and contact the creature again. That would lead to his downfall, death, and then the destruction of the Frapshaver home world. But I'm again getting ahead of myself. The message of the lava creature was profound, or stupid. But by any measure, it was important. The answer to the scientists' last question, broadcast worldwide to every Frapshaver watching at home, the answer to the question "What is the meaning of life?", was this:



WHO CARES?



--follow @dadadaily

Unfortunately for Robflert, this was going to be his last day on the job. But he didn't know it yet. Nor did he know that he would get fired and die on the same day. But that's neither here nor there. I'm getting ahead of yourself.

The children were outside at recess. Some were playing hopscotch. Some were chasing each other with sticks. Still others were sitting under a tree chewing on bugs. Some were playing sideways hopscotch. Suddenly, the old siren went off. Broooock! Poooorrrrrooooop! Every Sporktonian knew what the siren meant: the Frapshavers were attacking.

The Frapshavers were ice people from four planets away. They were covered in razor sharp icicles and had a long standing feud with the Sporktonians. No one could remember what had happened to start the feud. Some believed one planet tried to invade the other. Some thought it was all a misunderstanding. Some thought it was an argument about what boy band is better. Still others didn't care. "Feh!" They would shout. "Blurb those Frappers!" Frappers was a racial epithet for Frapshavers. "We don't need 'em! We should nuke 'em from orbit!"

Now, the problem with all of this is that the Frapshavers had gone extinct when the climate of their planet changed drastically. All that was left were some ruins, deserts, and a few plants that adapted. Maybe some weird bugs. Whatever.

So, it would be quite a feat for an extinct race to be invading a planet. The early warning system must have malfunctioned. It had not been used in several decades. Though every school, factory and office had weekly Frapshaver drills, so everyone knew what to do. The kids hobbled inside and started petting each other. They were all huddled together in the closet. The teacher sobbed uncontrollably. Some kids started to ooze themselves. It was total chaos. The principal flapped his gunyyups and ran screaming into the room. "EVERYONE START PETTING. EVERYONE START PETTING NOW!" The world was surely coming to an end. Except that was impossible, because the invaders were dead.

Smash cut to the president's office. He was taking a nap.

Smash cut to the governor of the state of Flaboflavia. The governor was heavily petting himself and running in circles. "We must fend off the invaders! We must fend off the invaders!"

Some dumb tentacle had accidentally tripped the alarm while he was taking a nap at his post. His job was to sound the alarm if he saw any Frapshavers on the triple radar system. Of course they were extinct, so his job was fairly boring. Some days he took naps. Sometimes he cooked entire meals in the break room. Sometimes he just ordered out for food. Sometimes he watched pornography to keep himself glandulating for his six wives back at his apartment. Today, Robflert was taking a nap.

When the siren sounded, everyone descended on Robflert's office. "ROBFLERT!!", his supervisor said, while petting his secretary's genitals. "WHERE ARE THE FRAPSHAVERS!?"

"F... frapwhosers? Oh, OH NO! I tripped the alarm by accident!"

"ROBFLERT! A false alarm of this magnitude is a capital offense, with a capital Barkkof! You're fired!"

"Please, please no! Please don't fire me! I need this job to pay for supplies!"

"I don't want to hear it! Talk to Galllivvvorv before you leave to get your mandatory bullet in the head."

Not being one to disobey orders, Robflert drudged slowly to his death at the hands of his coworker. Galllivvvorv was a muscle brained dumbass, always itching to administer capital punishment to someone breaking a rule, like murdering their children, or farting in public.

"Hyeah! Hyo! Hyeah! Hyo!" Gallivvvorv was lifting weights while his secretary was petting his genitals. "Don't you stop until we get to the bottom of this invasion either! GotDAMN I hope this was a false alarm so I get to bring some evildoer to justice today!"

And so he did. Right in the goddamned back of the head. Sick bastard. The moral of the story is, jocks are fucking assholes. Rot in hell you jerks. I couldn't climb a damned rope, so what. You probably have a micropenis and fucked your sister in the third grade just to see what it felt like. It felt good, didn't it. Felt like you were already married. Squirt out some little brain damaged four eyed babies. They can call you "papa". Or at least a drooling approximation. Well, guess what. Tentacles commit incest all the time. It's fine for them though because they reproduce asexually. Isn't that fucked up?

--follow @dadadaily