[iPhone] how do i do this on 12seconds.tv

Friiot? Hardly. For when you take a bite of tangerine pie, you expect to spill the crumbs on your bed. A wise man once said, why don't you go and make me some toast. And a wiser man said, it is not you who makes the toast, but the toast who makes you. An even wiser man still said, In Soviet Russia, toaster cooks with you? I am part animal, part machine gun. Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket. Do you enjoy highlighting your face? I do since I cut myself while shaving once. Bled all over the carpet. I bought a hovercraft. I got a big raise and bought myself a hovercraft. WHo put these things under the floor Boards? It's the beating of his hideous heart! Wait, ... wait ... he found a heart container. Problem solved folks, we can all go home to our pork bellies. bellly. belllybelllybelllybellly. It's inside of me! And it's attached to my soul. A piece of ham was driving down the street, when he saw a gang banger banging a gang. He drove to his girlfriend's house, cut her throat, and took her kid to the ball pit. That was some fucking ball pit! Lots of ball sauce and shit.

New, tomorrow night: the most mediocre night of your life. The night after that: the most mediacore night of your life. Thanks, a latte. A man drove to Denver where his grandmother owned a coffee shop. They found her dead in her bathtub. She had dranken a gallon of motor oil for breakfast. Lightens up the chest area, keeps things running on time. You have violated the law: the law of Pepsico. For this we sentence you to die of voltage poisoning. I have to throw up. I had pizza for lunch and now I'm going to throw it up. Here it comes. Here it comes! Transaction rollback in progress. Commit transaction.

This above all else, be true: grape popsicles taste like dying. FOllow grape popsicles on Twitter: @grapepopsicles I wonder if your mom was sad the day you were born because she thought her life was over. I think I'll go buy an ox cart. For carting my oxen. Unix? I don't know this. I like other GUI interfaces. Sausages? Never mind.

What will they call Martha Stewart Living after she passes away

Oink oink piggy wiggy I've got a ham in my belly

if Kevin Bacon was from Toronto would they call him Canadian Kevin Bacon

Corned beef, grits grits, grits grits grits grits, aaaaaaaaaaand sunglasses


at


fucking



midnight

Here's a list I made when I was recently trying to decide on a pet, and a name.

---

Possible pet names:

• Sprinkles
  
• Whiskers
  
• Steven
  
• Stephen
  
• Paprika (look into other spices)
  
• Dog (ironic hipster points - esp. if not a dog)
  
• Angela
  
• Sheldon (avoid if buying an armadillo - too hokey)
  
• Ribbons (save - poss. daughter's name?)
  
• Tyler
  
• George III (avoid - implies murder of two previous pets)
  
• Duck Henry
  
• Old Spice (call other companies - poss. ad revenue)
  
• Jesus
  
• Stefan
  
• George Foreman
  
• Melissa the Turtle (do not use if pet is not a turtle)
  
• Stevey
  
• Andréa
  
• Andre the Turtle
  
• "Helicopter" Moses
  
• Teegan
  
• Lisa Marie Claire
  
• Mutatey (if gotten free from cooling pond)
  
• Assface (esp. appropriate for a kitten)
  
• Steve
  
• Blowjob
  
• Patches
  

The ultimate winner? George Foreman the imaginary zebra.

Unfortunately, George Foreman was killed when he was hit by the Magic School Bus, so I've sworn off pets for now.

How many minerals can you name that appear on Mohs scale of hardness?

Corundum is a crystalline form of aluminium oxide (Al2O3) and is one of the rock-forming minerals. It is naturally clear, but can have different colors when impurities are present. Transparent specimens are used as gems, called ruby if red, while all other colors are called sapphire. In India a pinkish-orange sapphire is called padparadscha and a pink light-red sapphire is called patmaraga.

One reason I'm doing this is to look at my blockquote css. Dang that looks weird! Probably!

I wonder what the Mohs hardness of a Republican's heart is

oink oink POLITICS

Come back soon I got to be hilarious

Edit: I lost it

Edit 2: Smilers

here l sit
all broken hearted
had diarrhea
and that's the story

dadaweekly



the increasingly inaccurately named series of the only things I write and oh FUCK

I slipped on a banana peel, I slipped on a banana, peel, I slipped on, a banana peel I slipped, on a banana peel

and I fell

down

and I feel

down

and I got my feelings all over the floor

you'd better wear a hardhat is all I can say
you should have been wearing one already anyway
because my blood vessels are

under constriction
and I haven't been feeling

up

all that well

and I have been

up

a very lot indeed


I should probably
get this
looked at


and poked
and prodded
inside
and out

and maybe I wouldn't be

up
all the time

and maybe I wouldn't be

down
all the time

Since the dawn of time, time has moved forwards. Then again, popsicles. Once upon a starkiss, I ate a tub of margarine. It's ok, it was fat free. And it tasted like popsicles. Earwax flavored popsicles. And popsicles .. are still marching on. This treat will soon be at an end, and now it's even sooner. And now it's even sooner. And now it's even sooner.

Did you ever buy a new hat? Boy I did once. That was awesome. Lost it though. That part wasn't awesome. I took a bunch of pictures of my underwear drawer trying to find it, but he never resurfaced. I wonder if he's buried in the sand somewhere in the middle of a rainforest. I would hate to be buried semi alive in the middle of a dense urban undergrowth that is bursting with pus and looks like Kenney Chesney. I got this wheel implant in my foot and it's kind of hurty. But I can go really really fast on sidewalks, but sometimes I crash into bodegas. It's ok the soda is only 45 cents a can there they made an exception. For once in my life, they made an exception. BUG PISS.

I have finally reached the point where I can forgive Angelina Jolie for taking Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston. It was a long arduous journey, but I think I'm finally there.

I had a long, tearful conversation about it with Batman last night, and he convinced me that it was for the best.

I used to live in the Land of the Dragons. It was a five mile walk to the grocery store, and every so often a mini dragon would nip at my heels, or breathe smoke on me. Then, its mother or father would groan and yell in my direction, so I would starting running and running faster and faster. I didn't have a car. Everything was bad, and the other people in the land stuck together. But only with themselves.

I got tired of living among Dragons. I decided to buy a car and drive to the Land of the Dinosaurs. Then I decided to move there once, in a dream. So I did. There was a ring of mushrooms living around the border, and they were excited to see me. They welcomed me, and patted me on the back, congratulating me on my arrival, on my decision.

Everything was fine for a while. But then I turned invisible. The mushrooms couldn't see me anymore. They didn't speak to me anymore. The dinosaurs weren't very scary. All of the scary dinosaurs had died off a long time ago. All that was left were plant eaters. Things were pretty boring and bland, but it was pretty easy living there. But I didn't like it.

One day, I saw a nacho chip standing in the middle of the street, wide eyed. I honked at him to move. I was in a hurry. But he just yelled "hey you!"

I yelled back "what?! move it!"

He said "..this place sucks!" And he disappeared.

And I can't help wondering where he went. I wish I could follow him.

But I don't know how to disappear.

buzz buzz buzz it's quite a hot topic

that i've got this huge pustule in my weiner

it probably has a billion germs on it




more on it as it develops

words words words USB FLASH DRIVES THAT

TASTE

LIKE

CEMENT

in your bathroom
your own home bathroom
i boned you in the butt

---

THAT'S JUST OUR LEMON POPSICLE DAUGHTER AND HER COLLEGE OF JELLY DONUT HOLES

---

a a a a achoo

Once upon a time, shut up. You heard me, Coltrane. I'm sick as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.



And so on.

color: left

IT'S A LONG SHOT, BUT I THINK I'LL TAKE HER IT

This burger was talking to me in my sleep last night. It was plotting against the spaghetti. He said the spaghetti was after me, and my pocket noodles. Spaghetti doesn't like pockets. It can't be contained by mere flaps of flesh. Flaps of velvet. Flaps of cotton. There, that's better. Cotton. The other white meat. I enjoy it. I enjoy things. Except this cold. I made love to it last night. I named my comforter "Prince Fartface". He didn't like it. I called him "Farty" for short. He didn't like that either. He tried to strangle me like a rented chainsaw. I didn't like that. I cut him in the testicles. Right in the testicles. He didn't enjoy that either. Then I cut a rug. The rug was mad. But he couldn't talk so I couldn't tell. Maybe he enjoyed it. I doubt he enjoyed it.

Back to the spaghetti. Lets not. I'm hungry. I want some texas toast. What do they call it before it's texas toast. Before it's toasted. They call it texas toast. They don't call it texas bread. They start calling it toast immediately. That's not fair. That's not fair to the other toast. Why do they have to do that. Maybe I want a peanut butter and jelly texas sandwich on regular bread that isn't toasted. Maybe I'm on a no toast diet. But no. You can't do that. That's not allowed. You have to toast it or the universe will go haywire. The universe will go haywire and a nebula will rape a quasar and the poor little quasar will cry and cry and cry until it grows up and is 25 and yells at me on a date. I can't help it. I'm sorry. The light from you just got to earth from billions of years ago. Give me a break. Here we go. Nachos. They taste too nachoy. Hey that's not a word, said the quasar. Then she threw a vase at my head. It hit me in the head, and I died, possibly. Then I ordered a taco. Taco taco taco taco. They brought two of them. I had to call them back and ask them to pick up the extra. I didn't want to be a cheat. But they said it was ok. I said no it's not ok. You brought me an extra taco. I didn't pay for this taco. You're running your business into the ground. I don't want to be arrested. I don't want to be arrested for stealing a taco. I could have paid for two of them. I just didn't feel like eating two of them. But they said it was fine. They didn't want to deal with it. It wasn't fair. They didn't want to deal with my second taco. Sometimes it's too much. Sometime I hope I find someone. I hope she will pay attention to my extra taco. That's all I ask. That's all I really want.

nothin else to post, soooooo ... we doin this.

June 11, 2006. I was lying in a ditch near the railroad tracks when my phone started ringing. It was the president. "You have to come back. Someone stole my pudding." It was serious. I could tell by the tone of his voice. I immediately got back on my unicycle and hurried back to the lodge.

It was 3:06 pm when I walked in the door. He was standing on the bar, scowling at the doorway. I knew he was waiting for me. "What took you so long to get here? The perpetrators are long gone by now."

"I ride a unicycle."

"Oh. Right."

He walked out the door. No one has seen him since. But before he left, he asked me one last question.

"Do they have Europe in Christmas?"

I think he meant Christmas in Europe. I couldn't answer. I had already passed out behind the pool table. They found me two days later, covered in urine. There were no survivors.

The funeral was on a Wednesday. It was cloudy outside, but not raining. 40 degree temperatures. I had some kielbasa. Tasted ok. Maybe a little old is all. I think I'd like some fudge right now. Or maybe a sundae. No, tomato soup. Yeah, that sounds better.

I've been having real bad dreams lately. Kind of worries me. Then I get wasted, and it still worries me. Then I pass out, and I have more bad dreams.

Truth is only local to the community. Not the whole. You can't understand a reference without context. Maybe you need to figure out the context to figure out the reference. Or maybe you need to fall into a ditch. Like sometimes, I feel like wearing a bright orange vest and letting the horses stampede down the freeway. Holy shit, buy my beer. It's fantastic. Aged like a fine monkey bile. In a cantaloupe. Damn. You know that shit is good when they leave it in a cantaloupe. Speaking of marriage, I'm about to conduct a wedding ceremony. My fist, your nose. Touché bitch. I'm a gonna clean up this two horse town, and when I'm done I'm gonna take you out with me. Then, we're gonna spin the wheel. And if it comes up bankrupt ... you just lost the bonus round. I'm gonna buy a vowel. ON YOUR FACE.

I was lying in the ditch again when my phone rang again. Then it rang again. Then I answered.

"Hello? Yes, this is him. No, I haven't seen any parakeets around here. Who is this? My mother?! Oh. Right.

Wait. What do you mean a Peter Pan peanut butter alert??!"