Defective fiction

Defective fiction is a branch of fiction that centers upon the investigation of junk, usually murder, by a defective, either professional or amateur. Defective fiction is the most popular form of both bad fiction and hardboiled terrible fiction.

I'd like to take a few minutes out tonight to talk to you about the most important thing in your life: that fabric of our lives, cotton. You can put it in your ears on a windy day, or in your vagina on a bloody one. You can make a shirt out of it, and enslave an entire race of people to harvest it to make shirts. And probably pipes and junk. What do I know. How do they harvest nutmeg. How does that shit get harvested. Somebody tell me that. I ate a bottle of nutmeg once. I had no idea the air could taste like steak salt. I smelled of onions for three days, and a priest ran away from me screaming. I also had carrots growing out of my eardrums but that was an unrelated problem due to the unforseen clotting of the east trade winds out of San Diego. I apologized for it before, but I'm not sure that I should have done that. It wasn't really my fault, I was just in a bad situation at the wrong place in the wrong time slot. So the executives in charge of programming my life held me back as a midseason replacement and some people campaigned on the internet for me and I was brought back just in the nick of time but sadly they put me up against a program about deadly poisionous metronomes, so I didn't get good ratings, I was cancelled, and they shoved a bullet in my brain back behind the poolshed with a device designed for said purpose. It hurt a lot but I got a lot of residuals so in the end it was ok I guess. Sometimes I like to dance around in my underwear in a bathtub in the middle of the forest where I tied that one girl that was misbehaving to a tree by her ankles to her wrists and she yelled a lot then we laughed about it. I'm pretty sure she starved to death, either that or she's going to grad school in Milwaukee to become a professional vegetarian. I don't remember. So anyway, I had carrots in my ears because I had planted them there earlier this Septober. You should be careful where you plant things containing beta kerotene. For example, I once planted my dong in this girl that wasn't fond of me and it was full of beta kerotene so they arrested me for assault with a deadly penis. Holy fuck I forgot to take my laundry out of the dryer three weeks ago and I just remembered. I hope it's still there. Yep it is. I guess, if it hasn't been removed yet. I should go check but I'm 200 miles from home and I'm typing this with a hair dryer and a keyboard that only responds to hair dryer stimuli. It's really hard to type accurately, in fact this paragraph alone has taken me two life cycles of a pendulum to manufacture inside my esophogus. Damn, I can really yarn a good spin when I get going, can't I. A word is worth a thousand pictures, so buy a pen knife and jam it in your carrot hole, then send me a four hundred thousand five word essay regarding the ancestral locations of the great shepherd hounds that lives in your semens. I make a living making livings, so don't bogart the paper towels, and hand me a tuning fork now and again. I need a new spatula seriously. Spatula Seriously©, from the makers of Face It Face Masks. Get yours today. Available at all Walbogs. Save a dolphin, eat some tuna.