Book2: Chapter 16 - A Solitary Occupation

I was staring at a bowl of oranges in my car when the alarm went off. I couldn't make it stop. There weren't any alarm controls. I couldn't do anything at all. I stared as hard as I could at the dashboard. I bored holes in the quality Japanese engineering with my stares. That's when I realized: it was a tornado warning. My anger had manifested itself into a horrendous firestorm of nature's wrath. Except instead of fire, it was wind. Also the wrath was more of a really pissed off breeze. Also I wasn't too angry, but I didn't know that at the time. I was perfectly acceptable about causing a tornado in the middle of October. I could live with that, I thought. I could live with this tornado. I have to accept myself as I am, and if that me that I am spawns tornados in the middle of Halloween candy season, so be it. I'm a tornado spawner. That's when the bell rang in my head. I had to go. I heard a voice from a far away distance. It was drawing me in.

"Welcome to Museo De Tacos," it said hauntingly. "Would you like to try a Spicy Bean and Pepperoni Burrito value meal with guacamole strips today?"

I was captivated, but I couldn't respond. I'd never experienced anything like this before. The voice called me again. "Sir? Hello? Are you there? Is everything ok?"

I was enraptured. The voice seemingly cared for my welfare. It was amazing. I'd never had a voice put its own welfare after mine before. I knew, at this moment, that this was the moment. This was the most gracious voice in all the land. Until it spoke again.

It spoke again, but this time was different. The landscape disappeared with a dolly zoom of indifference. All was darkness. I was alone. I was sitting on nothing. I stood. But then I could no longer sit down. "You're losing them", it fearfully moaned at me. "You're loooosing theeeeem. You're disobeying all the ruuuules. They can't follow yoooooou."

I was terrified. I'd never had a voice turn against me so quickly. Sure, they all turned eventually. But not like this. NOT like THIIIIIS!

Suddenly a television appeared in front of me. The picture was snow. I turned the knob. Nothing happened. Except it broke off in my hand. Then the antenna broke off. Then a voice appeared on the screen. "Thou shalt not require prerequisites!" it screamed at me. Spittle flew out of the glass and hit me in the face. "Thou shalt not intentionally misdirect your readers!" I tried to wipe it off, but it took the skin of my face with it. I screeched in horror at the blood and skin on my hands.

"I should NOT have to take a class to understand you, sir! Pepperoni in a burrito? Who the HELL do you think you are to put pepperoni in a burrito?!" The voice had a point. I wasn't anyone that deserved to be able to put pepperoni in a burrito. I didn't have a good reputation to precede me. But I had done it, without thought or remorse. And suddenly, I was pissed off.

Who the hell was this voice. Who was this ugly, fat, mustachioed piece of SHIT voice who thinks he can tell me what to do. If I want to put pepperoni in a burrito, goddamn you fuck I'm going to do it. And I'll create a tornado, and run over a raccoon, and kill you, and rape your family. And one of these days I might create a clone of myself. So help me god. I'll do it. Do not tempt me. I will fucking do it, and you'll enjoy it.

I yelled "FUCK YOU, you .. VOICE. Who the fuck are YOU to tell me what I can't do. Get out. Just ... get out. Let me live my own goddamned life for once. Let me make my own decisions. LET ME MAKE MISTAKES."

"Fine. You want that? Fine. Here it is."

And everything returned. I was back in the drive up. I stared silently ahead for a moment. Then the voice returned. "Sir? Are you there? May I take your order or not?"

I cleared my throat. "Ahem! Yes, I believe I would like one of those pepperoni burrito value meals after all. Thank you."

And the voice over the drive up speaker answered. "Sir, we .. we don't have those here. We just have normal tacos and burritos and such. With beef and chicken."

And I looked up, and I saw that I was sitting at Taco Bell.

There was no such thing as a pepperoni burrito.

It was the most horrifying moment of my life.