Book #2: Chapter 2 - This is a Secret Blog Entry You Cannot Read Because We ...

"Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?" *smile smile*

"HELL NO I DON'T WANT NO ASS PRETZELS"

These mall sample cronies always give me these dirty looks. I just don't understand it. They've got some kind of malfunction; probably a major one. If I didn't know better I'd say they're trying to poison me with snack treats. Wait a minute. If what my teachers said in elementary school is true, I don't know any better. And I might possibly be the antichrist. Be right back. Gotta call poison control.

I wonder if in the Book of Life, there's like this mad face next to my name and a big "SEE ME" in red ink. I wonder if it has a copy of my permanent record. "Anti-religion. Condones health care for all people, except fetuses. IQ too high, difficult to teach. Wouldn't eat pumpkin seeds. Doesn't like watching kids threatened with a beating for not being able to count"

One time I swallowed an apple whole just to see his reaction. His reaction, for those wondering, was to choke me. And then he started rambling about New Line Cinema. I didn't really follow along as I was unconscious at the time. Something about elves, and musicals.

The other day I took my computer to the Geek Squad as it was acting sort of "funny", I believe is the technical term. Not "Jim Carrey" funny. More "Colin Quinn" funny.

I had set my wallpaper to a picture of myself giving a thumbs up with my name in 128 point Impact, and I threw in some rainbow stars for good measure. A few pinstripes, but they were obscured by the unicorns.

I did this so I could tell my computer apart from the others when I came back. But all they did was laugh at me. It got pretty heated and at some point the police were involved, but at least now there's no horse porn pop-ups every ten seconds. Now, I only see horse porn at 6 pm weekdays, which I believe is a much more acceptable scenario.

Speaking of bestiality, I don't watch American Idol.

It is one of my secret goals in life to visit a banana farm. I have been dying to find out exactly how they shrink them down and get them in those candy machines at buffet restaurants. I think I'll schedule a week's vacation for later this year when they're in season. Maybe I can visit a soda bottling plant at the same time. I've always wondered how they harvest all the bottles. It's probably some kind of electric collar like they use on cows.

I think Thom Yorke and Les Claypool should collaborate on an electronica album. They could probably win at least two Grammy nominations, and Lady Sovereign might call it "mad dope".

I would buy an audio book of Christina Aguilera narrating Catcher in the Rye. I would pay upwards of fifteen dollars for this item. You may share this fact with whomever you choose. It is a personal choice I have decided to share with humanity.

Labels: A Book for Oprah's Book Club