Present day on Earth, Billy and his wife were having a shouting match. Actually, Billy was shouting and she was trying to knit. If it were an actual match, the score would be fairly lopsided. “Bismala!! Where are the popsicles!”

“We’re out of them.”

“Why are we out of them? What do I pay you for anyway?”

“You don’t pay me anything you ass. And we’re out of them because you threw them at the neighbor kids.”

“Well, they looked like they needed some! Whatever, I’m going to Coffee’s!”

She sighed, and grabbed her phone. HE’S COMING OVER. She got a reply within a few seconds.

THANKS FOR THE WARNING.

HE’S LOOKING FOR POPSICLES.

I’VE GOT SOME

Billy ran up to Coffee’s door, but he was standing there already. “What kind.”

“What? What kind of what?”

“Popsicle.”

Billy thought for a moment, then got mad. “Root beer! You need to stop talking to my wife!”

“Then you need to stop being a dumbass.” He handed over a root beer popsicle and sat on the couch. Billy was about to sit, when there was a knock at the door. They both rolled their eyes. Then, the knock got louder, and more frantic. Billy took a bite of the popsicle and said “I’ve got this one.” and opened the door.

“Mmmfff yeah?”

“OHMIGOD ITS YOU! IT’S REALLY YOU!” The girl at the door let out a long squeal like a city boy lost in the woods and jumped up and down. “IT’S BILLY THE BEAKER! OOOOH MY GOD Martha! Martha!! He’s here!!” Billy rolled his eyes again and took another bite of popsicle. Coffee got up and went in the other room. Another girl poked her head around the corner, then squealed too, like a stuck pig in a Japanese hallway.

“We are SUCH. BIG. HUUUUGE FANS of yours! Hee hee hee hee!” They giggled and high fived each other. Billy took another bite.

“Mmmfwell ... why?” The girls stopped jumping and looked at each other.

“Why what?”

“Why are you fans of mine? What have I done lately?”

“Well you’re ... you’re super sweet and you - you saved those kids that one time, and...”

“We just love you!”

“Yeah!”

Billy finished his popsicle and read the joke on the stick. He chuckled, then threw it at the kitchen, and burped a really loud, gross root beer burp. Coffee came back out and sat down. “What about Coffee?”

“H-huh?”

“He was there; he helped save those kids. Hell most of the stuff I’ve done was his idea anyway!” Coffee didn’t say anything, he was just laying on the couch.

“Yeah he’s - yeah I guess ...”

“He’s okay ...”

“Okay, he’s more than okay! Look at this sweet ass bachelor pad!” He pointed around at the pressboard furniture and blank walls.

“Yeah ...”

“And ... and uh - he’s ...” Billy couldn’t figure out how to get rid of them. He was a brilliant people person; so much so that he could joke around and yell but didn’t know how to turn them off - without just slamming the door in their face, that is. Coffee saw this, and so he decided to help out. He got up and went to stand by Billy, cleared his throat, and created a magic tween dispersing device. With his words.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” “Hi ....”

“Sooo. You ladies, you know, want to go out?”

“Ummm ...” “Yeah we’re ... “ “We just - we need to ...” They shuffled their feet, and put their hands in their pockets.

“Ah cmon, the four of us can go for a ride. Then me and you two can go for our own ride.” He had a sick, twisted smirk on his face.

“I’m not sure that’s ...” Now they were looking at the ground, and the parking lot, and inching away from the door.

“It’ll be fun. You can have my autograph if you want.”

“I-”

“On your uterus! Let’s make babies!” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a new package of anal lube. The girls took one look at this, one at each other, and ran away as fast as they could.

“You’re disgusting.”

“Shut up and eat another popsicle.” Coffee sat the package on an end table and laid back down. “Damn, I should have yelled ‘Come back when you’re not so illegal!’ at them. That’d probably creep out my neighbors though.”

Billy took a cherry popsicle out of the freezer and took a bite. “They already know who you are, so you probably can’t creep them out any more than they already are.”

“Says the guy who sleeps next to a doll.”

“Mister Jenkins is not a doll he’s an action figure! Jerk!”

“Yeah but the only action he has is suckin dicks”

“More than you get!”

“Yeah, just ask your wife!” Coffee had another evil smirk on his face. Billy stopped smiling, and just pointed the empty popsicle stick at him. But he kept smirking.

“Coffee!”

“What.”

“What did one snake say to the other snake?”

“I have no idea.”

“Let me ASP you a question. Get it?” He chucked the popsicle in the kitchen.

“Yeah, I get it. Hey, don’t do that! Pick that up!”

Billy replied, “Pick this up!” without actually making the motion, and plopped down in a recliner. There was another knock at the door. “Damn it!”

“I got this one.” Coffee got up and answered the door. It was a reporter with a handheld microphone and a camera crew.

“Mr. Coffee, do you or Mr. Beaker have any comments about the Hillside tragedy?” She took the microphone and aimed it at his head. He stared at it cross eyed, then looked at her.

“Mr. Coffee is a coffee pot.”

“Regardless, any comments?” She shoved the mic at his face.

“About what?”

“The Hillside tragedy - the four missing kids. Any comments? Either one of you?”

Billy yelled from the recliner, “Yeah, this tv show fuckin sucks!” He was watching the reporter and Coffee live on the local news. The station knew better from previous experiences, and so there was a five second delay. The TV responded: “Yeah, this tv show-” and then there was silence. He started flipping the channels. “Coffee, where’s the porn!”

“I don’t have any- Look why are you asking us this?”

She spoke into the microphone, “Because of your history rescuing missing children, any thoughts as to the whereabouts of the kids?” She took the mic and stuck it an inch from his face.

“A ditch? Pizza place? Arcade? Detroit? What are we, psychic?”

“Well people have said you have certain - abilities ...”

“That’s right, I’ve got the ability to do this!” and he shut the door, locked it twice, and put a metal folding chair in front of it. “Now, where were we.”

“I was here and you were on the couch.”

“Right.”

“I said where’s the porn!”

“I don’t subscribe to them, it’s too expensive!”

“Too expensive!?” Billy put the reclining chair down and sat grabbing the handle while he spoke. “What did I tell you, I’ll pay for it!”

“No.”

“Yes! Stop working that dumb job. Nudie magazine day! Nudie magazine day!”

Coffee rolled his eyes again, then closed them. “Shut up, I’m tired.”

“Need more vegetables, that’s your problem. Why did the parapalegic and the melon have a church wedding?” Coffee didn’t answer. “Cantaloupe! Get it!”