defectivejunk

It was the night of Brian's funeral.

There was a kid in school that I never liked. One time he drew a moustache on my face with permanent marker. I wasn't asleep or anything. He and some bigger kids held me down in the bathroom. Then, later that day, he pushed me down some stairs and drew it on me while I was writhing on the ground. I got him back though. The girl I liked had a big crush on him, but he ended up marrying a fat chick and squirting out some kids. Serves him right. Jackass. I hope he owns a minivan.

I threw a watermelon at his head, and I threw a watermelon at his feet. I drew a watermelon on his stupid face, and I ate a watermelon in jail one time. I had a photocopied picture of him from our yearbook taped to a dartboard out by the alley. It fell off the tree I had him nailed to. The tree I nailed San Diego against. That won't make sense yet. I didn't want to hang him back up. So I decided to take a walk.

The moon was sighing wistfully amongst the clouds. He smelled like an old cheese grater: metallic and rusty. "Sigh. I wish I had a watermelon. But there's no watermelon in space," he remarked. I looked at him and shrugged. "Sorry dude. You want me to build a rocket and send you a watermelon? I work for a company that builds rockets."

"No .." he responded, "... no, that's ... that's ok."

I kept walking.

A couple of minutes later, he yelled back. "Th...thanks though."

I was walking down the road, walking down the road, and I saw an asteroid hit the sidewalk. It wasn't a meteor. Or a meteorite. It was an asteroid, from the asteroid belt, and he was pounding the pavement with his asteroid fists. "WHY! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME WHEN ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU!" He was pretty upset.

There's another kid I never liked. He used to do wacky stuff like steal my pen when I wasn't looking, or knock my books out of my hand in the hallway. I got him back though. He married some ugly girl and probably squirted out a couple of kids. Also, one time, I stabbed him in the head with a mechanical pencil. Serves him right.

The asteroid saw me and stopped. Then he yelled again. "MY ORBIT IS APPRECIABLY PERTURBED! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

I had to respond. "...You're high. ...Or possibly crazy."

"Hey buddy, I'm not the one seeing a talking asteroid on the sidewalk."

"Touché, asteroid."

It was the afternoon of Brian's funeral. I was in his hometown. Everyone had just left the cemetery. I went off by myself to a chain restaurant to eat lunch. In case you've never had to eat by yourself in a restaurant, let me tell you this. It's boring eating by yourself in a restaurant. So I was sending messages and checking things from my phone. You know, things. Just things.

Some redneck saw me and laughed with his redneck buddies. "BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP. Haw haw haw haw haw!"

I looked up, but I immediately looked back down.

"Hey I'm important, look at me with my fancy toys, I'm too good for you!"

"HAW HAW HAW HAW"

I didn't look up.

"People always in here sending messages, you wanna talk to somebody, go CALL EM AT HOME."

The laughing stopped. They shifted uncomfortably in their Wranglers.

I paused; closed my eyes, and slowly opened them in his direction.

I was not in the mood for this.

After all. This was a bad day. All around. I'd just left my friend's funeral, because he'd killed himself, because – in my mind – I'd forced him to go out to lunch with me, which let to us getting in a fight with some idiotic people in a restaurant.

"This is a place of business, not a hangout for

STUPID FAGGOTS"

I rose. I picked the man up by his neck, and guided it through a plate glass window. One second the window listed some dinner specials - meatloaf, chicken salad, watermelon slices. The next second, there weren't any more specials.

They say he bled to death in the hospital. I wouldn't know. I never went back to that state.

Serves him right.