dadadaily

June 11, 2006. I was lying in a ditch near the railroad tracks when my phone started ringing. It was the president. "You have to come back. Someone stole my pudding." It was serious. I could tell by the tone of his voice. I immediately got back on my unicycle and hurried back to the lodge.

It was 3:06 pm when I walked in the door. He was standing on the bar, scowling at the doorway. I knew he was waiting for me. "What took you so long to get here? The perpetrators are long gone by now."

"I ride a unicycle."

"Oh. Right."

He walked out the door. No one has seen him since. But before he left, he asked me one last question.

"Do they have Europe in Christmas?"

I think he meant Christmas in Europe. I couldn't answer. I had already passed out behind the pool table. They found me two days later, covered in urine. There were no survivors.

The funeral was on a Wednesday. It was cloudy outside, but not raining. 40 degree temperatures. I had some kielbasa. Tasted ok. Maybe a little old is all. I think I'd like some fudge right now. Or maybe a sundae. No, tomato soup. Yeah, that sounds better.

I've been having real bad dreams lately. Kind of worries me. Then I get wasted, and it still worries me. Then I pass out, and I have more bad dreams.

Truth is only local to the community. Not the whole. You can't understand a reference without context. Maybe you need to figure out the context to figure out the reference. Or maybe you need to fall into a ditch. Like sometimes, I feel like wearing a bright orange vest and letting the horses stampede down the freeway. Holy shit, buy my beer. It's fantastic. Aged like a fine monkey bile. In a cantaloupe. Damn. You know that shit is good when they leave it in a cantaloupe. Speaking of marriage, I'm about to conduct a wedding ceremony. My fist, your nose. Touché bitch. I'm a gonna clean up this two horse town, and when I'm done I'm gonna take you out with me. Then, we're gonna spin the wheel. And if it comes up bankrupt ... you just lost the bonus round. I'm gonna buy a vowel. ON YOUR FACE.

I was lying in the ditch again when my phone rang again. Then it rang again. Then I answered.

"Hello? Yes, this is him. No, I haven't seen any parakeets around here. Who is this? My mother?! Oh. Right.

Wait. What do you mean a Peter Pan peanut butter alert??!"