One day I was up in the forest when I saw a gnome. "Hey gnome, what's up."

"Nothin."

"Oh. Okay. ... "

"....."

"............you ever hear about the volcano god?"

"Listen bud, do you mind? I had a rough day."

"Oh. Yeah."

There was a third planet called Ransom. At least they called it Ransom in their language. A lot of aliens sound like gargles or blips or bleeps but these guys chirped a lot, like a fuckstrucken hummingbird or cockateel, maybe a whippoorwill. The Ransom guys didn't communicate much with the Frapshavers or the Sporktonians, mainly because they couldn't understand the grunts or the ice scratching. But they knew about the volcano god. They even had a weekly call in program. People could call up and ask the volcano god questions, and he would - slowly, since he was writing it on a sign made of lava, made of himself - answer their questions. A lot of times they were useless, but such is life. Sometimes they were profound. Sometimes they were eerie. Sometimes they were stupid. But whatever. He was chill, man. Probably got boring hanging around for millennia by a volcano, so answering some weird questions was probably .. fun?

"Yes, uhh I have a question for the volcano god?"

"Yes caller you're on the air, go ahead, he's listening."

"Yeah um ... my husband wants to ... "

"Ooookay we had to edit that out. Oh, he's writing something anyway .. "


YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE


"Heh, haha. There you go. Okay next caller, you're on the Lava Dance, what's your question?"

The Lava Dance was a Ransom expression that turned out to be a delicious pun. It sounded something like "CHIRRUP CHEEP CHIP", and was like a fireside chat or something. I don't know. I don't speak that ching chong shit.

"Yes umm, have you spoken to the other creatures on those other planets? What are they like?"


WEIRD FUCKERS, MAN

"Really? Weirder than us?"


TOTALLY

"Oh, he's writing something else ... "

THEY LIKE, OOZE ALL OVER

"...Ooze? Like .. they just leak fluids all the time?"

YEAH MAN, ITS GROSS

"Alright next caller, squirt out your hambone!"

I'm not even going to try to explain that one.

"Heh h ehh ... hey man, do you like .. eat? WHIRRRUP WHIRRRUP WHIRRRRR WHIRRRUP"

"Enough of that .. please, that was old 10 years ago ... hey he's answering anyway"


NOT ANYMORE. UNLESS LAVA COUNTS


"We will totally count lava. Alright, we'll be right back with more questions for the volcano god here on the Lava Dance after these messages .."

HEY GUYS

"Yeah? What is it?"

NO MORE SPORKTONIAN QUESTIONS

"Spo....what's that word? Sporktonian? What's that?"

THE OOZERS

"...That's a weird name. Okay but .. why no more questions about them?"

This was the first time the volcano god had made such a request. Actually, it was the first time he had made any request, other than for people to "be cool", or "party on".


THEY ARE EVIL


"Evil?? Should we be worried?"

YEAH MAN. THEY DON'T CARE

"Care about what?"


TRUTH. OR ANYTHING BUT THEMSELVES



"We're .. we've got to go back on air ... "


JUST DON'T CONTACT THEM


"O .. okay ... aaaand welcome back the Lava Dance. Um ... I ... next caller ... "

"Yes .. I've got a question? Uh .. hey. Besides absorbing knowledge, do you have like, any other like super powers?"


DON'T THINK SO.

"So you can't like, see the future?"


ALL I SEE IS A DAMN VOLCANO