I put a sock on my wang and went into town. "Good morning, Principal Roberts!" I shouted. My sock was glowing orange. It was a hot one out today. "Good morning Steven!" He shouted back. My name was Lazarus but whatever. I had a feeling Principal Roberts was tone deaf and had arthritis. Wait, arthritis? I mean that thing where you can't remember stuff good. You know, the thing. Anyway, his secretary was a hot little number named Margaret. She was 13 years old and had a mole shaped like Kentucky on her butt. That reminds me of another amusing anecdote. It was exactly eight years ago today that my wife left me for another brother from another mother. She was cheating on me with my dentist too. That explains the rubies in her teeth.

All I really have to say about my dentist is that he wasn't really a bad man, he was just a penis. With a three inch penis. I saw it once when I was hiding in his bushes watching him spank my wife. He was using a clawhammer toothbrush shaped like Mike Dirnt. Why Mike Dirnt? Because it was a Thursday. Friday nights they went out to eat with me at Fat Joe's Texas Barbecue and Toothpaste Emporium. That reminds me, one time I was eating mint flavored toothpaste in the bushes while my dentist was masquerading as Simon Cowell and raping my wife with a bucket of orange yarn when suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was me. I had idle hands syndrome, and I couldn't stop myself.

When he answered the door, I just knocked him out cold. I would have knocked him out hot but it was January. Anyway, there was a snake under the stairs that bit me on the hell and I think I caught transvestitism. If that's a thing. I have the urge to drink Mr Clean and put my dong in a trapeze artist so that's probably a thing. That reminds me, I was watching Seinfeld the other night when I jacked off. Then I drank a bucket of Mr Clean and passed out for two or three eternities. That reminds me, I really should get back to work before I get fired for impersonating a mailman.

That reminds me, I have to mail my bills in the morning. Sometimes I have to mail letters, but right now I have bills to mail. One time I was sitting outside the bushes on a Tuesday afternoon watching my dentist rape my wife with a fourteen foot long baguette when there was a knock on the door. It was coming from inside the house. The Schwann guy had gotten stuck inside and slipped on a banana peel. He fell face first into a bag of chicken strips, and almost suffocated. Luckily, he was an expert at eating plastic bags so he was able to knaw his legs off, enough to use the stumps to knock on the door.

That reminds me of another time I was sitting in the bushes outside my grandma's neighbor's cat's owner's house masturbating while she was watching Barney and Friends, when her father came outside and beat me with a submarine sandwich. If only it had been toasted, my life could have been a whole lot different. If only it had been toasted. Anyway there's no use crying over spilled hemoglobin so I'll stop talking about it. That reminds me, one time I went to donate blood and they refused to let me in because I was eating a submarine sandwich. "But it'll build up my red blood cells," I said. They didn't like that answer though, because I was eating an AIDS sandwich, and I was also having sex with a diseased leprechaun at the time. That reminds me, I have to stop by Boston Market on my way home today to pick up a turkey, some trimmings, my old weed eater, and my son from soccer camp. He's 14 years old, and he's got a pretty sexy ass. But I digress. That reminds me of the time I digressed in the middle of the baseball field parking lot when I was six and a half years old. My nana rubbed my nose in it, which is why my nose smells like urine and also why I don't have a nose.

That reminds me, I was driving my son to soccer camp when the officer pulled me over, so you see judge I had a lot on my mind and I don't think I deserve this speeding ticket. Now if you'd just .. hey where are you taking me? Nacho emergency? I hope it's a nacho emergency.

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