Witnesses to Sporktonian orgasms have been known to claw their own eyes out. For lack of better terms, there is ooze oozing out at a rapid pace, and since Sporktonian seminal fluids are acidic, it can be quite dangerous to be caught in the rapid fire tentacle thrusts that occur. Such a thing happened to one poor group of visiting Frapshavers, which is how heavily petting ones self earned the reputation as a defense mechanism against them. But that's getting slightly ahead of myself.

The planet next to the home of the Frapshavers was deserted, except for a lava creature inside an old, enormous volcano. He was countless millennia old, and had seen it all. From the evolution of ice bugs into the pre-Frapshaver cave dwelling societies, to the horrific juggling contest of the year 6742 S. Since the Frapshaver home planet was solid ice, and the lava planet was well, lava, the two could never really establish contact in person. However, early Frapshavers noticed the creature and treated him as somewhat of a god. The lava creature would occasionally exit the volcano, wandering around the base and attempting to communicate by holding up crude signs in the direction of the Frapshaver home world. But they were not technologically advanced enough to translate his messages.

Eventually, technology enabled Frapshaver scientists to land an enormous camera and screen onto the lava planet to communicate with what they still thought at the time was some sort of hot god, some ancient creature who held some of the secrets of the universe. Could tell them the meaning of life, and how their world came into existence. They slowly cross referenced and compiled possible translations for his messages throughout time.

"Gentlemen, we're about to decode this message He just showed us. Finally, a chance to communicate with the ancient one." The computers chunked and swirled for several more minutes. Finally, it was all complete. The frozen terminals displayed the lava creature's message to the scientists.

DUDE

WELCOME TO THE PARTY

The scientists scratched their heads and stared. They had assumed some ancient wisdom was going to appear. Not something barely coherent. So, they decided to send a return message, translated to what they approximately thought said "Please, depart upon us some ancient wisdom."

The lava creature read their message, and seemed deep in thought for several minutes. Finally, he raised one of his obsidian arms and wrote a new message for the planet next door.

NEVER DATE AN EX'S SISTER. TROUBLE

He tapped the word "TROUBLE" three or four times for emphasis.

That was the day the Frapshavers became athiests.

Discouraged, but not defeated, the scientists continued to ask the creature questions. While he tried to be helpful, it was never quite as informative as they hoped. They asked him, how did life on their planet come into being? He again thought for several minutes, and carefully wrote a message in return.

MOVING ICE. SHIT WAS CRAZY

"Moving ice?! Of course it was moving ice, we're fucking ice creatures!"
"Calm down Carl. Seriously."
"You calm down, you son of a bitch. We've spent two thousand years trying to communicate with this retard!"
"Don't use the r word!"
"I'll call whatever retards I want to call retards retards, retard!"
"Now you're just trying to piss me off."

Even more discouraged, they asked simpler questions. Where did he come from?

VOLCANO ->

How long had he been there?

FOREVER, MAN

Is there a god?

HOPE SO, BUT WHO KNOWS DUDE

Finally, exasperated, the scientists asked one more question. "What is the meaning of life? " The creature seemed flummoxed at this question. He paced (sort of, he was made of lava after all) and seemed lost in thought for quite some time. Finally, after two or three hours - that's six hours of Earth time - he slowly, carefully wrote down a message, left it in view of the camera, and climbed back towards the mouth of the volcano.

The scientists shut off the equipment. It was left in disuse for quite some time. But eventually, someone decided to turn it back on and contact the creature again. That would lead to his downfall, death, and then the destruction of the Frapshaver home world. But I'm again getting ahead of myself. The message of the lava creature was profound, or stupid. But by any measure, it was important. The answer to the scientists' last question, broadcast worldwide to every Frapshaver watching at home, the answer to the question "What is the meaning of life?", was this:



WHO CARES?



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