Unfortunately for Robflert, this was going to be his last day on the job. But he didn't know it yet. Nor did he know that he would get fired and die on the same day. But that's neither here nor there. I'm getting ahead of yourself.

The children were outside at recess. Some were playing hopscotch. Some were chasing each other with sticks. Still others were sitting under a tree chewing on bugs. Some were playing sideways hopscotch. Suddenly, the old siren went off. Broooock! Poooorrrrrooooop! Every Sporktonian knew what the siren meant: the Frapshavers were attacking.

The Frapshavers were ice people from four planets away. They were covered in razor sharp icicles and had a long standing feud with the Sporktonians. No one could remember what had happened to start the feud. Some believed one planet tried to invade the other. Some thought it was all a misunderstanding. Some thought it was an argument about what boy band is better. Still others didn't care. "Feh!" They would shout. "Blurb those Frappers!" Frappers was a racial epithet for Frapshavers. "We don't need 'em! We should nuke 'em from orbit!"

Now, the problem with all of this is that the Frapshavers had gone extinct when the climate of their planet changed drastically. All that was left were some ruins, deserts, and a few plants that adapted. Maybe some weird bugs. Whatever.

So, it would be quite a feat for an extinct race to be invading a planet. The early warning system must have malfunctioned. It had not been used in several decades. Though every school, factory and office had weekly Frapshaver drills, so everyone knew what to do. The kids hobbled inside and started petting each other. They were all huddled together in the closet. The teacher sobbed uncontrollably. Some kids started to ooze themselves. It was total chaos. The principal flapped his gunyyups and ran screaming into the room. "EVERYONE START PETTING. EVERYONE START PETTING NOW!" The world was surely coming to an end. Except that was impossible, because the invaders were dead.

Smash cut to the president's office. He was taking a nap.

Smash cut to the governor of the state of Flaboflavia. The governor was heavily petting himself and running in circles. "We must fend off the invaders! We must fend off the invaders!"

Some dumb tentacle had accidentally tripped the alarm while he was taking a nap at his post. His job was to sound the alarm if he saw any Frapshavers on the triple radar system. Of course they were extinct, so his job was fairly boring. Some days he took naps. Sometimes he cooked entire meals in the break room. Sometimes he just ordered out for food. Sometimes he watched pornography to keep himself glandulating for his six wives back at his apartment. Today, Robflert was taking a nap.

When the siren sounded, everyone descended on Robflert's office. "ROBFLERT!!", his supervisor said, while petting his secretary's genitals. "WHERE ARE THE FRAPSHAVERS!?"

"F... frapwhosers? Oh, OH NO! I tripped the alarm by accident!"

"ROBFLERT! A false alarm of this magnitude is a capital offense, with a capital Barkkof! You're fired!"

"Please, please no! Please don't fire me! I need this job to pay for supplies!"

"I don't want to hear it! Talk to Galllivvvorv before you leave to get your mandatory bullet in the head."

Not being one to disobey orders, Robflert drudged slowly to his death at the hands of his coworker. Galllivvvorv was a muscle brained dumbass, always itching to administer capital punishment to someone breaking a rule, like murdering their children, or farting in public.

"Hyeah! Hyo! Hyeah! Hyo!" Gallivvvorv was lifting weights while his secretary was petting his genitals. "Don't you stop until we get to the bottom of this invasion either! GotDAMN I hope this was a false alarm so I get to bring some evildoer to justice today!"

And so he did. Right in the goddamned back of the head. Sick bastard. The moral of the story is, jocks are fucking assholes. Rot in hell you jerks. I couldn't climb a damned rope, so what. You probably have a micropenis and fucked your sister in the third grade just to see what it felt like. It felt good, didn't it. Felt like you were already married. Squirt out some little brain damaged four eyed babies. They can call you "papa". Or at least a drooling approximation. Well, guess what. Tentacles commit incest all the time. It's fine for them though because they reproduce asexually. Isn't that fucked up?

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