Shelley was back from vacation. She spent two weeks with her parents in the Caribbean. At some resort. "Happenings" or "Scores" or something. She had all kinds of stories about lying on the beach; watching people drink cocktails, wind surfing, all that fun stuff. I sat a few tables away and listened. I'd taken a few days off too, but only had 75 dollars. So I drove about a hundred miles, and then came home. In a diner, an old guy stared at me, then I almost ran over a squirrel.

It had been four months since Brian's funeral. I had driven by myself, as no one else in the company seemed to care. Since that time, I hadn't much felt like being around them. Except for Laurie. Laurie was the one person I had left. In another life, we could have been a couple. She was like a big sister, who I wanted to sleep with. Life was complicated. Lunch time doubly so. And brunch, holy shit, brunch was like calculus. Too many cantaloupes.

I sat a few tables away by myself and listened, because Laurie didn't ever eat lunch. That's when she came in. "Hey dude, I've got a problem my computer is locked up."

"Sounds bad." I took a drink. She crossed her arms and chewed her gum some more.

"Yeah, it is. We're supposed to have these things scheduled by 2 pm."

"2 pm? What happens at 2 pm?"

"I don't know! Are you going to come help me or not?!" She smacked me on the shoulder.

"I guess so." I took another drink, a long one. Then I threw the rest of my stuff in the garbage. We went back to her desk, and I fixed it. Thank god it was by 2 pm! I didn't really need to ask what happened at 2 pm; I knew. It was Friday and the account managers wanted to go home early to have extra time to get skanked up for their bars, or parties, or wherever they were going to go hunting for semen. And chlamydia.

"So did you ask her out yet?" She grinned at me, open mouthed, gum about to fall out as always. I gave her an evil eye.

"No."

"Why not?" She smacked me again. "She talks about you all the time you know. And all the stuff you did in high school."

"What stuff?"

"I don't know! Like hanging out and stuff!"

"Oh."

I walked up to Shelley during lunch in high school one day. I hadn't seen her in a few days, and was excited to catch up. I sat down next to her. "Hey, what you reading?"

"The Fountainhead."

"......Oh." I pulled out my algebra book, and we didn't speak the rest of the hour.

I got up from Laurie's desk, and stood there for a minute.

"Want me to ask her out for you?" She laughed. I rolled my eyes. "Not interested?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"Just not."

Shelley hadn't gone to Brian's funeral either. The only excuse she had was that she hadn't known him at all. Not that she said that, but I knew that was the only one she could have. It was valid. But I still blamed her for it. I didn't think Laurie would have gone either, but luckily she had a valid excuse. She was in labor at the time.

"Hm, well, if you want to talk about it, let me know."

"Alright." I went back to my desk.

3 pm came, and I called her. "Hey, do you have a minute to come in here."

"Yeah, I'll be right in ... ?" I didn't normally call her. Or anyone. She walked in, with an odd look on her face, and no gum in her face. "Can you close the door."

"What?"

"Yeah, close the door." She did. I opened my desk drawer. "I know you're not going to believe this, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Even though I shouldn't." I pulled the purse out, and sat it in front of her.

"Aw Johnny are you a cross dresser now? We can probably set you up with a nice guy if you want!"

"Very funny. I found this in the locker room a while back."

"Yeah? Hey wait a minute, this is Susan's!" She grabbed it and started playing with the zipper. A big lump formed in my throat. I was terrified she was going to open it.

"Susan?"

"Yeah Susan, oh you weren't here back then. She quit like seven years ago. This was just sitting in the locker room?"

"It was in one of the lockers. I saw it one day and pried the door open. Give me that!"

"Hey! So what are you doing with it?"

"It can talk to dead people."

Now she stopped fidgeting, and stared at me, wide eyed. "It can talk to dead people?? Prove it."

I opened the zipper. There was nothing inside. "Doesn't look like I can right now." I gave it back to her. She opened it up and stuck her face inside.

"Hellooo dead people!"

"I don't think I can give it back to Susan right now, wherever she is."

She tossed it on my desk. "Well you definitely can't give it back to Susan, ‘cause she's dead!" And a piece of paper flew out of the purse and hit me in the face. And it said:

"Yes I am dear, but it's ok! Miss you!!"

I held it up to her. "That is freaky! You should take this on the road. Can you talk to just anyone?"

"There's more." I opened the drawer back up, and pulled out my soap box. It was an individual bar of soap that I found, still in the box. I pulled the bar out, and handed it to her.

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

I closed the box, showed it to her, opened it back up, and pulled out another bar of soap. "Wash with it." I handed her the second bar.

"I am not washing with that!! Where did you get this stuff?"

"This was in another one of the lockers."

"How do you think this happened? You've got to do something with this!"

"I don't know how it happened. But I've got the idea that it was something I don't want to get involved in."

"Why not? This could be huge!"

"There's a guy-"

"What guy?"

"-a guy that's been following me, I think. I bet he's after this stuff."

"You'd better be careful. Now I'm going to be worried about you."

"Heh, all I have to do is find the towel that shoots lasers." She threw the soap at me.

"So who have you talked to? Did you talk to Brian?"

"I tried. He didn't have much to say."

"Where is he? How does it work? The afterlife??"

"I don't know. We talked about computers."

"What?? How could you not ask where he is!"

"I did, but whenever I tried he wouldn't answer."

"Well that sucks!"

"Yeah. Oh, he asked how his dog is. You know. Odin."

"That damn dog! Chewed up my socks the other day. And we renamed him ‘Pretzel'. Hey, and he chewed up my purse too!"

"Well you can have that one. I'm done with it."

"How can you be done with it?"

"It won't let me talk to who I want to. And Brian's not answering anymore anyway. You keep it."

"I can't take this!"

"Sure you can. I need you to keep it. Hey, I think I might go ask Shelley to go eat somewhere tonight."

"Hey! She was talking about you a few minutes ago! She wants to have you over to her place. Take this and talk to like, George Washington or something."

"No I mean it, I need you to keep it. And if anyone asks, it's just a purse." I put the two bars of soap in it, and zipped it back up. Then, as I handed it back to her, the lumps disappeared.

"...Oops."

Then I looked on my computer, and I had an instant message. "hey, would you like to come over for dinner tonight too? I'm cooking :)"

I wondered if Shelley was a good cook. I wondered if there were any dead people she needed to speak to. Then I wondered if she remembered I was lactose intolerant.

By the way – Laurie wasn't her real name. She hated her real name. Her real name is Lettice.